“There are souls too in the world which have the gift of finding joy everywhere, and of leaving it behind them when they go. Joy gushes from under their fingers like jets of light. There is something in their very presence, in their mere silent company, from which joy cannot be extricated and laid aside. Their influence is an inevitable gladdening of the heart. It seems as if a shadow of God’s own gift had passed upon them. They give light without meaning to shine; and coy hearts, like the bashful insects, come forth and almost lay aside their sad natures. Somehow, too, the joy all turns to God. Without speaking of him, it preaches him. Its odor is as the odor of his presence. It leaves tranquility behind, and not unfrequently sweet tears of prayer. All things grow silently Christian under its reign. It brightens, ripens, softens, transfigures like the sunlight, the most improbable things which come within its sphere. A single gifted heart like this is the apostle of its neighborhood. … To live with them is to dwell in a perpetual sunset of unboisterous mirth and placid gayety.

- - Frederick W. Faber (1814-1863), Bethlehem, p. 350.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I have been invited to attend a “Superbowl Party” this coming Sunday afternoon. Although the invitation was rather circumspect regarding details, I am given to understand that the event being celebrated involves a televised competition between two sports collectives, possibly from different countries, or perhaps different regions of the same country. Although the teams will be attempting to defeat each other in the contest, it seems that partygoers are permitted to cheer for whichever of the two teams they prefer, and even to denigrate the opposing team, the presence of that team’s supporters in the room notwithstanding. You can imagine the festive spirit, I am sure!

I believe I will know how to behave at the party in general, as I am a shrewd observer of social customs and have considerable facility in blending in to a variety of settings. My only worry, and the reason I am writing to you, is that it seems customary for each guest to make a variety of exclamations and comments as the game (or the commercials, which also are apparently quite diverting, except for the long one at half-time) progresses. It is in this department that I feel underprepared, and disinclined to rely on my native wit for extemporaneous remarks.

Could you please suggest to me some comments which would be appropriate to utter at various times during the game? At best, I would like to add to the day’s fun, but at least I hope to avoid giving offense or seeming like a stuffed shirt who doesn’t know how to “mix it up with the guys.”

Signed,

Gridiron Gridlock
California

p.s. I do not approach the contest entirely unarmed, having spent idle hours composing the following:

“Man, both teams need this game.”

“That’ll move the chains!”

“Ha ha! This game is already OVER!!! Forget about it!”

“The Colts look like a young college team on tape. I mean that as a compliment. ”

“Nothing smells like football.”

“These guys put the ‘ouch! ow!’ in ‘touchdown!’”

“This must be the early Chicago deep-passing attack pundits were worried about.”

“Rearrange M-I-A-M-I and you get ‘I maim.’”

“if Chicago goes to a three-receiver package on passing downs, keep your eye on the nickel slot DB.”

“He doesn’t have an Elway arm, but he is smart, very athletic and has moxie.”

“It seems clear that my team is going to dominate yours.”

NOOOOOOO!!! The giant robot lurches into the city and our best defenses cannot stop him. FLEE, TINY HUMANS!!! If this be doomsday, when stalks the robotic juggernaut! He was designed by a demolition contractor who thoughtlessly programmed him with the command, “Destroy the next building.” Obedient to the letter of the law, he sets out to destroy the next building, and the next, and the next… I HEAR AND OBEY. DESTROY NEXT BUILDING! But there is always a next building! His tiny twin antennae are receiving new commands, but it is impossible to override the prime directive. He is hardwired for mayhem! Death is his algorithm! Go-to smash if tank then pull building down onto it!!! The brave human defenders send out their new triple-barrel tank, and one sharpshooter takes cover behind it, but none can stop DESTRUCTOR, THE WINSOME SMILING SMASHBOT!!!