Imagine being trapped on federal jury duty on Election Day listening endlessly to CNN.
If Senator Obama wins, I don’t just want gas in my car and my mortgage paid, I want an end to Federal jury duty on election day.
However, no torment is without spiritual reward as I have been able to hear the weirdly compelling audio of a man named Wolf Blitzer telling us what is happening on his Magic Map.
This is when I realized that McCain had already won the election.
The Magic Map, recently purchased at a Diagon Alley fire sale following an unfortunate incident with a dragon, now shows quite a few magical worlds.
Early exit polls were not promising as both the academic community at Hogwarts and the Atlanteans were overrepresented on the Magic Map.
However, as the return from Oz flashed on the screen, it became obvious that normally blue Munchkin Land had gone (with the Quadlings) deepest red.
Why? The Mayor of Munchkin Land was plain: “We are not bitter clingers to Dorothy, lollipops, and Baum.”
Narnia, part of the religious fantasy vote, was as expected solidly for McCain/Palin. High King Peter noted that it was the Palin pick that energized the talking animals who always admire a good hunter.
Middle Earth was more divided, but the expected Mordor landslide for Biden (a favorite in the Tower) failed to counterbalance an unexpected pro-life appearance of the Valar. “We did not see that coming,” said Biden spokesperson Grima Worm Tongue.
Clinching the 5040 electoral votes needed to win was an upset victory from the denizens of Mother Goose. The Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe said, “Me and my pro-family children knew what to do. . . vote McCain/Palin.”
Now you know.