What, in my dark moods, I imagine candidates wish they could say:
Barak Obama:
I have hope in everything but the process of picking a Democrat nominee for President. Who designed this system? And what in the world makes Hillary more experienced than I am?
Bluntly, Clinton grates on my nerves during debates. Can you imagine listening to her for four years? Can you imagine if I lose and have to be her “running mate” and for months sitting with a smile on my face hearing that voice?
Help me avoid the loss of all hope in my own life and that fate by making me the nominee.
I am Barak Obama and I approve this message.
Hillary Clinton:
Bill is my greatest curse and my biggest blessing.
How would you like to be married to him? Come on folks, nobody knows better than I do that he can be a narcissistic jerk, but he also did some good things in office.
I promise if you elect me, that I will do good things like Bill did, but not be a narcissistic jerk like he is sometimes.
I am Hillary Clinton and I approve this message.
Mitt Romney:
I spent a good bit of my kid’s inheritance getting the so-called experts to tell me how to win the nomination. Now they are walking around like goof balls saying this is a unique year.
You know what is unique? We are in a War and we get headlines about some mixed up young girl named Spears. Can someone write a briefing paper on who this Spear’s woman is?
We are heading towards a recession and at least two of my Republican opponents seem to hate business.
We live longer than ever thanks to miracle drugs, but everybody hates the companies that made them.
I am as mad as heck and I am not going to take it anymore.
Jimney Crickets, are you going to let the insanity continue?
I am Mitt Romney and I approve this message.
Fred Thompson:
I hate running for President. I got into this when my wife and advisers told me it would be easy. Now I have been humiliated in four states in a row by little pukes that I could use as towels to clean the wind shield on my truck.
My opponents are liberals. Mike Huckabee uses the Constitution to mark his place in the Communist Manifesto. John McCain wants to raise taxes on his mother’s social security and wanted to arrest her for littering off a cruise ship near Alaska. I have personally seen Mitt Romney not just adopt two positions at one time, but do so while being in four parties with five different personalities.
Stop being idiots and just make me President.
I am Fred Thompson and I approve this message.
Mike Huckabee:
Most of my opponents hate regular people, have never been in a Walmart except for a photo op, and never took a picture in Sears. They will betray you, because they really despise you as they stand around drinking water that cost money talking about stuff that will cost you money.
We all know Fred Thompson is a suit of clothes for whatever Republican establishment idea will get him his next job from which he can commute to Hollywood.
John McCain? I am hoping to be his running mate, but don’t tell him. He can be mine if I win. IYQ, John.
Mitt Romney? We all know who his brother is.
I am the only guy for whom the White House would be a bigger residence and who would get a pay raise if president.
I need the house and the money.
Besides I am the only guy who is right and being right is conservative. Right?
I am Mike Huckabee and I approve this message.
John McCain:
HAVEN’T I DONE THIS BEFORE? HAS ANYONE SEEN THE STRAWBERRIES? THAT GLOBAL WARMING HAS KILLED ALL THE STRAWBERRIES! GLOBAL WARMING. STRAIGHT TALK. CHANGE. WAR. CAN SOMEONE GET ME THE STRAWBERRIES I ASKED FOR ONE HOUR AGO!
PLEASE VOTE ME IN THIS TIME AS I AM JUST NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO STAND WINNING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AGAIN ONLY TO LOSE AFTER I AM AS OLD AS FRANKENSTEIN AND LOOK LIKE STRAWBERRIES OR SOMETHING.
I AM JOHN MCCAIN AND IF SOMEONE WILL GET ME MY STRAWBERRIES I WILL APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
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Of course none of this is true. . . or fair. . . but at this point it is fun to have fun!
I am John Mark Reynolds and I approve this message.