Office of President Antinous Alcibades D.D.D.D.D.
Torrey Technical College
To: Those Interested in Not Just Living, But Living Better
Re: Earning Big Money and Being Popular!
With the proliferation of colleges in California (my favorite here) late afternoon television has become dominated by commercials urging slack-jawed couch potatoes too indolent to have something else to do in the afternoon (please do not question how I know this) to get off their couches and get a career and not just a job.
If you are watching afternoon television without TIVO, then a job might be a good first start, but let us not quibble.
These colleges rely on heavy marketing centered on the notion that most colleges are hard. They frequently picture students at those hard colleges carrying and dropping huge stacks of books. According to these commercials the clincher against those bookish and monastic schools that require reading, writing and arithmetic is simple:
People who attend them spend years dropping books and are never seen in makeup or with dates!
There is hope.
The afternoon college students are done in weeks, WEEKS!!!, and never carry (let alone drop) books.
Having been super-saturated in the loser mentality of the higher education establishment for decades, at one time I would have advised against attending a college that makes afternoon television audiences its target market.
The demographic assumptions behind the school’s advertising suggest that the old boy/girl network you will find after graduation will be dominated by those frequently not allowed to register at E-Harmony.
It did seem odd to me that Harvard Law or Notre Dame never have ads on during Perry Mason reruns.
I did not realize that Harvard itself is unaccredited. I had allowed myself to be blinded by the lure of the liberal arts and by making a fetish of working hard for something. I had fallen for the elitist notion that elites exist.
Though the afternoon-colleges frequently change names (Bryman is now Everest!), this is probably not a result of problems in the schools, but of wholesome change.
This rise in the afternoon-television college is fueled by the seemingly endless ability to give out degrees in things for which degrees have never been given.
Such a proliferation of degrees is laudable and should be encouraged.
(”Pa leaned on the hammer as he glowed with pride as young Buck showed him his hard earned degree in Smithy Engineering he had earned at Cal. His brawny shoulders could not compare with the high forehead perched on the small body of his studious son.
The father could only make horseshoes, but his son could make a certified horseshoe and talk about them endlessly. A tear rolled down his worn cheek as he realized Buck would have chances he never had. He had merely been a blacksmith. His son would work for Smithy Enterprises as a Technical Smith Engineer.”)
The graduates of afternoon colleges need not fear for employment, since after school their easily won diploma will entitle them to email boxes filled with offers for get-rich-quick schemes.
These always work.
The person sending the emails is, in fact, often rich. Such proof should be enough to launch many a new afternoon-college grad on his career marketing bizarre products to his friends or convincing those same friends to buy land in Arkansas marketed by a star from CHIPS.
If combined with multilevel marketing, the new grad should soon have made someone richer while eliminating pesky friends who might otherwise clog up his active My Space page.
Never one to be critical of the new, our goal is to band wagon and get in on the action.
We have founded Torrey Technical College to help others avoid jobs and get careers.
We here at Torrey Technical College (dear old TTC) realize that a golden free market opportunity was being missed. We must combine all the remarkable potential of new Internet enterprises into one: odd degrees, so-called spam, multilevel marketing, and afternoon-television colleges!
First, we recognized that there is a vital, indeed essential, element to our lives not yet served by colleges.
Life Itself.
We plan on offering degrees in “heart beating” and “breathing” soon, but since the undergraduate market is already being served by other schools we have decided to start in the grad area.
In 2008, Torrey Technical College will allow students to enroll in a Doctorate of Living. There is no skill more important than living. After all, if you are dead, then all the fancy liberal arts stuff will do you no good. Sadly, none of those “great books” programs deal with such essentials as breathing or making sure waste disposal happens.
Don’t let your education be wasted!
Second, we shall allow those earning a Doctorate in Living to improve their degree if they sign enough friends up into their mentoring “down line.” A good professor is a caring professor and what better way to show you care for YOUR FRIENDS than by getting them to enroll in your very own branch of Torrey Technical College?
For fifty dollars, paid directly to us we will send you a doctorate. For only fifty more dollars, we enable you to set up your own branch of TTC today. From that point you can begin to help others earn the degree that helped you, keeping ten dollars of each degree they earn. Imagine the multiplier effect as they too begin to tutor and mentor other students.
More money is not just more money: it is more ministry. You will be helping people not just breath, but BREATH BETTER.
Imagine the feeling of satisfaction when you meet someone with a mere Ph.D. and you point out that you have a DOUBLE DIAMOND DOCTORATE (D.D.D).
Finally, we decided to locate in Nigeria and scholarship our students and new professors through massive emailing. We shall open up bank accounts in Nigeria and transfer the funds to those students who send us live bank accounts to use.
We have been told the kids of today are open to that sort of thing.
We have designed a filter on Scriptorium so that we can screen out foolish, loser, establishment types and only show this post to the kind of winner who is willing to help his/her friends become rich and popular while themselves becoming even richer and THE MOST popular AT ALL THE PARTIES WHERE A DOUBLE DIAMOND DOCTORATE WILL MAKE YOU THE BIGGEST WINNER THERE.
If you are reading this, then you could be such a winner.
Did we make a mistake?
Are you like those KNOWN LOSERS who did not even get a chance at a DOUBLE DIAMOND DOCTORATE? Do you look at friends now in “conventional” grad school (perhaps you are one of them?) and know that you would like a doctorate, but hate the thought of ALL THAT HARD WORK?
If you:
a. want to be popular
b. hate hard work, but love getting something for nothing
c. don’t mind having a POTENTIALLY HUGE second income
Sign up NOW!
His Mark
X
Antinous Alcibiades D.D.D.D.D.
(Double Delightful Double Diamond Doctor)
Founder, Torrey Technical College
P.S. Based on the notion that we are insufficiently concerned about “human things,” we have added a doctorate in Santa Studies.