Disgruntled pro-life voters have decided to push for another primary candidate to express their displeasure with their choices in the next election. Said Bob Smith, leader of the Winning Isn’t Everything Movement, “The current candidates just don’t have the passion we are looking for in a nominee.”
The group (WIEM) has decided to back Saint Lucy as their preferred presidential candidate.
“It is the Year of the Woman,” Smith said, “With Hilary running, we have decided that we need a better woman. . . Saint Lucy is our choice.”
Saint Lucy, a victim of Roman persecution of the church, was martyred and became the patron saint of eye sight.
“The American people are blind to the injustice of our culture,” said another member of WIEM Sarah Winston, “and who better to show them the light than Saint Lucy.”
The group believes that Saint Lucy’s cameo in Dante’s master work will appeal to the youth vote.
“The Democrats have Colbert, but we have the Saint of Light. What could be cooler than that?” noted Winston. “He does comedy, but we are in the Divine Comedy.”
The party does note that Saint Lucy is widely seen as a Catholic figure, so has selected D.L. Moody, the nineteenth century Evangelical evangelist, as her running mate. “Being dead, he yet speaketh,” noted Bob Smith.
An excited “Teen for Saint Lucy” said, “We don’t have to settle for the candidates we actually have. Instead we can vote for a candidate we don’t have! It is so post-modern, so cool!”
She sported a button that said, “Non-Christians for Saint Lucy.” This campaign is all about inclusion. If you walk in the light, they want you.
When pressed on how two persons long dead, the presidential candidate by centuries, could govern the nation Bob Smith pointed to several recent leaders. “Does anyone think Saint Lucy less capable of coherent communication than Ron Paul?”
Smith pointed to a study showing the Saint had spoken to more humans than either senator from the state of North Dakota. “I mean, who even knows who they are?” Sarah Winston remarked.
Bob Smith snorted at the accusation that both candidates were dead, “Have you seen Fred Thompson at a debate?”
When some noted that Saint Lucy was dead long before the founding of America, and so could not be an American citizen, Winston snorted, “That is simple. Washington was not born under the Republic . . . and yet he was ‘grandfathered’ in . . . so why can’t Lucy? She was born before the founding of the nation so she is eligible under the Constitution of 1789.”
Scholars we contacted said that in fact, if Saint Lucy wins and can appear to take the oath of office that her campaign is correct.
The unhappiness with any of the present candidates was discussed by the group. Rudy? Pro-choice.
Huckabee? Too Arkansas.
Thompson? Why vote for the nearly dead, when you can vote for the enlightened dead?
Romney? Why pick on a recent convert, like Saint Paul, when you can get someone so straight they lean a little!
Sniffed Smith, “Winning isn’t everything. Would Romney compare himself to Saint Lucy and Moody?”
There was no comment from the Romney campaign.
The group believes that Saint Lucy will deliver America from the hell in which she finds herself. “We are lost in a dark wood and we need more than some Fred Thompson to save us.” said Smith.
The group has a great cutting edge web site, has a new facebook page, and can be reached at saintlucy@saintlucy.org.
