Heaven knows we need more single women with a vocation like Dorothy Sayers. God has called many to singleness and to career.
And the empty nurseries of Europe and New England remind us that we also need some people who want to be parents. This will (naturally) lead many mothers to wish to stay at home and raise their children if they can.
One hidden cost of this second choice is in daily conversation.
We are a culture that defines personal identity by vocation. That has serious implications for people’s happiness long term, but it does make conversation easy to organize.
“Hello! I am Bob the Builder! Who are you?”
“Why I am Dorothy, a detective writer. I need a new kitchen. Could you build it?”
“Yes! I can!”
Conversation continues.
But if Hope (the Fairest Flower in all Christendom) is any indication, it is difficult for many Americans to know what to say to another type of woman: the stay-at-home-mother. Often a conversation begins this way:
“Hello! I am Bob the Builder! Who are you?”
“Why I am Hope, a stay-at-home-mother. Do you . . .”
“Well! Good for you! Wow! Got to run!”
Why does this happen?
Hope has noticed that a few people take her calling as a challenge to them. It is true that she is working for love and not money, but she does not mean to imply that Bob is a wage slave for the All-Powerful-System. Worse is the woman who thinks Hope is judging her by merely stating her own calling. She has had women launch into a lengthy defense of their “situation.”
Hope then has to state the obvious: women face many different circumstances and God has many callings. Only an idiot would judge a person based on a mere statement of vocation . . . though in fact stay-at-home mothers are stereotyped all the time.
How? For one thing, many Americans only talk about their work.
Now a dullard can make any work sound dull (”Being an astronaut involves more calculus than most people know. Let me show you.”)
A wit can make even the most tedious job poetic . . . see Virgil on farming.
But a dullard with dull work is deadly. (”I make envelopes for a living! Did you know we have new rounder edges! Avoids paper cuts! Really!”)
Nothing sounds more dull than working from home. Years of television stereotyping have conditioned people to think that life in a cubicle can be exciting, but life without a time clock must be drudgery.
After all, if the stay at home mother were really good, she would be out earning coin. Right? So the stay at home-mother must be dull.
Despite an honors diploma in music from Wheaton College and an active involvement in college education all her life, some (all too many) people will begin to speak very, very slowly to Hope when they find out what she does. She might have joined a conversation on the literary status of Rochester in Jane Eyre to contribute to it, but when her presence is noticed, people change the subject to kids.
This sort of foolish person will condescend to Hope by trying to talk about things she might care about: Windex! Diapers! Afternoon Television! or by simplifying conversation. (”Do stay at home mothers know multi-syllable words like ‘mayonnaise’? Perhaps I should call it ’spread.’” thought the foolish interlocutor.)
Sometimes this can be very clumsy. Hope will try to join a conversation where it is already known, dreadful outing, that she is a Stay at Home Mother.
Bob: “Given Rochester’s lies, does he love Jane at the start? Oh. Hello, Hope.”
Hope: “Hello. I was thinking . . . ”
Bob: “How are the kids? Must have been tough to have so many in diapers . . .”
Hope: “Well, yes. Seven years ago that was a hard phase.”
Most of the time Hope just moves on. Her vocation at least half the time makes her a “Threat to My Values” and to many of the rest “Mildly Mentally Deficient.”
Being a Biblical sort of person we turned to the Bible to find out what to do. First, we read:
Answer not a fool according to his folly,
lest you be like him yourself. (Proverbs 26: 4)
This made us think that perhaps Hope should say nothing.
“What do you do?” says Bob.
*chirp* (Hope smiles at Bob.)
But then the Bible understands that there is really no good way to answer a fool, so we read the next verse:
Answer a fool according to his folly,
lest he be wise in his own eyes. (Proverbs 26:5)
(Believe it or not this makes some skeptics list of “Bible contradictions.” This utter lack of literary skill from skeptics makes the point of the two verses quite neatly.)
Given the Bible’s point that there is nothing good to say to a fool . . . even not talking is no good . . . we have composed the following short guide.
Here are three tips when meeting people on answering “The Question” (”What do you do?”) at a party.
What do you do?
Strong Approach:
“Working out the salvation of the West through procreation, preparation for mastication, and cultural re-creation.”
Shocking Approach:
“I work for love and I am good at it.”
“Grant the Assumption” Approach:
(Fool’s Assumption 1: Stay at Home Mom’s Are a Threat)
“So. You. Work. For. Money? I am so sorry. Can I pray for you that you find Christ and withdraw from the rat race . . . which is for rats and not men?”
or
(Fool’s Assumption 2: Stay at Home Mom’s Are, Well, Slow)
“I. Sorry. What you say me? Must ask me man if can talkie-talkie you.”
Of course Hope, who is a gracious Lady (there are a few left both in the home and working outside it), mostly answers the question with the charitable approach that assumes everyone is secure, holy, and happy in God’s calling.
She simply says, “I am a stay at home mom.” and endures the folly.
Ladies are like that: charitable, cool, and gracious in tough situations, because they have more internal toughness than the situation demands!
It makes me happy to see Hope’s girls (and mine!) Mary Kathryn and Jane Victoria Anastasia growing to be such ladies.
Whatever God calls them to be, I hope they are defined by His Spirit within them and the self He re-creates and not mere vocation . . . whether they work inside or outside the home.